"Nosotros don't desire strangers taking care of Mom!"

"We promised Dad he would never have to go to a nursing home!"

"If you really beloved Mom and Dad, you should be able to go along caring for them at home!"

Ah, siblings. Some are a joy—our very first and forever friends in life. Others are more than of nuisance, a source of drama that comes and goes over the years. But when a parent falls ill or needs additional help equally they age, these family relationships are truly put to the test.

Some adult children work seamlessly together to find the all-time care solutions for their aging parents. However, some siblings don't contribute at all, leaving the heavy lifting, sacrifices and difficult care decisions upwardly to ane adult kid, oft the eldest girl. Nonetheless others are involved sporadically, simply deigning to give their opinions when pricey care decisions are on the line.

In the latter scenario, these siblings disprove of respite, are suspicious of exterior caregivers and need to keep their parents' bills depression. They don't want to entertain the thought of hiring in-dwelling care or moving Mom or Dad to a senior living facility because outside care is expensive. To make matters worse, they wholly oppose paying a fair wage to their siblings who take taken on the function of primary caregiver.

When siblings brainstorm emphasizing cost reduction strategies and encouraging the provision of unpaid intendance, primary caregivers usually reach an unfortunate realization: these family members are not interested in what is best for their parents or even what is fair to them as carers. The driving factor is preserving Mom and Dad'south wealth in the hopes of receiving an inheritance.

A Caregiver's Feel Weighing the Costs of Quality Care

While I didn't have to battle my siblings over coin, I know beginning-mitt what happens to an aging parent's savings when their needs increment and in-home intendance or senior living must be considered. As a family, we wanted the all-time possible care for our parents. For much of the fourth dimension, I was capable of providing that hands-on attention and supervision. Still, the fourth dimension came when a nursing habitation was the simply option, beginning for my father and then for my mother.

Even after their placement in a local nursing habitation, I was however their chief caregiver. I visited with them every twenty-four hours, made sure their wants and needs were personally taken intendance of, and was their advocate and watchdog. My parents were fortunate that they had saved enough money over the years to pay privately for both of their rooms in the facility. The downside for them was that all the funds they had hoped to leave the family were used to pay for their care.

Would my siblings and I have loved to receive a niggling inheritance? Of class. My parents badly wanted to leave us something, but it simply was not meant to be. We understood that this was necessary. I could no longer continue to care for them at domicile, and my siblings could not presume this task for various reasons, then nosotros were determined to secure quality care for them elsewhere.

For some families who face decisions similar ours did, things don't e'er go every bit smoothly. I frequently get east-mails from people whose siblings are happy to let them step up to the plate and handle all of their parents' intendance. Nevertheless these aforementioned siblings put upwardly a fight when the main caregivers wish to make changes to the care program that require even the smallest amount of coin.

How to Deal with Greedy Siblings

Another glaring issue with siblings like these is that they are all also happy to volunteer you for caregiving duty and criticize requests for outside help, merely they don't show upwards for visits with Mom or take Dad to his many dr.'due south appointments. They don't know how many medications you help your parents manage. They don't care virtually how hard Mom or Dad has gotten over the years. They could really care less that you lot haven't had a break from caregiving in weeks, months or even years. They vox serious concerns for your parents, withal they aren't willing to get their hands dingy (figuratively or literally) or open their wallets to help.

Nobody actually agrees to become a family unit caregiver with the expectation that their unabridged life will have a back seat to their responsibilities. Furthermore, nobody expects that their siblings will fight against every penny needed for elder care and caregiving supplies. Guilt trips abound if y'all ask for financial help or apply your parents' money for their own care. You hate to admit it, but your siblings care more than about preserving your parents' savings for inheritance than they care near the elders' quality of care or well-nigh your quality of life. Information technology's ugly business concern.

Sometimes facing reality nearly one's kin is hard. Money issues can cause what seemed like a fairly normal family to descend into a whirlwind of accusations, hurt feelings and greed. In some cases, things may escalate to unfounded reports to Adult Protective Services (APS) or lies to turn family unit members against one another. Particularly nasty cases call for strong boundaries and mayhap even going no-contact with greedy family members. When information technology comes to a divisive topic like finances, information technology's wise to seek professional person back-up to protect yourself even further.

Legal Planning Is Crucial for Caregiving Families

The best way to assist foreclose caregiving decisions like these from becoming problematic is to take a proactive approach to legal planning. Having medical and financial powers of attorney (POAs) in place is crucial for a senior to enable a trusted individual (normally an adult child) to brand decisions on their behalf. Unfortunately, though, crumbling parents sometimes incorrectly conceptualize which child will step up to get their caregiver or how the appointed person volition manage their healthcare and finances.

In particularly difficult scenarios, an aging parent may take given two (or more) children joint powers of attorney, pregnant they must both (all) approve of any decisions made on their parent's behalf before they can legally exist carried out. Another conundrum occurs when one kid is given medical POA and another is given financial POA. Essentially, the sibling in charge of health decisions must nonetheless receive approving from the sibling who controls the parent'due south finances to fund whatsoever changes in care. Both these arrangements highlight the importance of carefully because POA designations.

If a parent'south POA selections practice not permit for the provision of quality care and prudent financial management, and the parent is not mentally competent to change their POA designations, and then the simply option is to seek legal guardianship of the parent. Guardianship can exist a long, expensive and trying process for families to go through, but it is often required to cut through difficult family dynamics and provide proper care for an aging loved one. Guardianship may also be necessary for an incompetent parent who never obtained whatsoever POA documents.

Read: How to Go Guardianship of a Senior

Primary Caregivers Should Obtain a Caregiving Contract

When 1 adult child steps upward to intendance for their aging parent(south), it is usually under the assumption that the organization is temporary. All too often, permanent and/or long-term plans aren't put in place, leaving this family member at a serious disadvantage. Missed days of work and the costs of incontinence care products, nutrient and transportation to doctor's appointments all add up. What was initially a brusk-term offering for aid tin plow into a months-long or fifty-fifty years-long obligation. A caregiver's own health and fiscal state of affairs can reject rapidly. Without whatever guarantee of payment or reimbursement, many are left in worse shape than their aging parents and with no savings left for their own retirement once caregiving ends.

This is where a personal intendance understanding comes in handy. Most people believe that caregiving should be done out of dear, and it ofttimes is. Self-interested siblings often cling to this notion and use it to guilt caregiving siblings into standing their work unpaid. However, the depth of a caregiver'south feelings for their care recipient doesn't change the fact that they are providing a very expensive service entirely for costless. Drawing upwardly a contractual agreement is an excellent idea for family caregivers who need to be compensated to avoid running their own lives into the footing. This understanding stipulates the exact services the family caregiver will provide and the compensation that they volition receive from their care recipient.

While it may seem odd for your parent to pay you for their care, working with them to put an understanding into writing while they are even so of sound mind can save you a great deal of hassle downward the road. Seeking a sibling's approval for payment afterwards you've already spent months or years caregiving for free is oft a dead cease unless legal guardianship is also part of the proceedings.

Read: Personal Intendance Agreements: A Must for Caregiver Compensation and Medicaid Planning

Stand Your Footing on What's Right

Somehow, you must find a mode to stick up for yourself and ensure you parents receive the care they deserve. Continue meticulously detailed records while you are providing care. If you must buy your parents clothes, pay for respite care or cover the cost of a senior living facility, practice information technology. Your parents' coin is to be used for their ain needs and care. If your siblings threaten or attempt to dispense you or your parents, then you may need counseling or even legal help. Don't be bullied into making decisions you don't concur with.

Just remember to take care of yourself. No inheritance is worth your life, and no sibling worth having a relationship with would desire you to sacrifice everything for them to get some money in the end. Most families aren't this extreme, but the correspondence I receive from fellow caregivers suggests that this issue isn't uncommon. Exist thankful if you are from a loving family that puts the elderberry and even yous, the caregiver, above the money. But if you aren't so lucky, get legal aid. You deserve it.